Down and Out and Struggling in London – Part Two

 As I lie on my bed in my dark, cheap little basement bedroom, not sure if it’s raining or bright sunshine outside as there are no windows, wondering if the ringing in my ears is permanent damage done by listening to my ipod too loudly, or whether it is the large panel of live wires positioned dangerously close to my head and doing untold damage to my chromosomes, I wonder: What led me to this point? What sacrifices have I made? All the be ‘living the dream’???

 My second blog and I’m already plunged into disaster. Well, not disaster. But a lot of disappointment and cause for concern. Oh, welcome to my life.

 First off, I didn’t get the director job for that amateur dramatics company that I was talking about previously. I can’t help but laugh. I went to the interview and was grilled about my choice of plays by two theatrical types who knew the plays inside out (I hadn’t even read one of them) and then asked about my vision for the productions – which I hadn’t even formulated. I had walked into the whole affair thinking I could wing it, thinking these guys would be lucky to have my services! How cocky is that?! So I had to eat humble pie when I was rejected. What I’m most disappointed about, however, is the fact I was going to use the company’s database to spam everyone with advertising for my January show. I don’t know how the hell else I’m going to get people along, now. Oh dear.

 Now, even though it was a small fry rejection, it was still a rejection. And rejection is hard in any form. Especially if you’re an inherent people pleaser. This is just one more to add to a list a mile long. I also found out my friend and I weren’t successful with our short film script getting into the PODs in New Zealand. In fact, now that I think about it, I’ve only ever been rejected. I’ve won Playmarket’s Young playwright competition a couple of times (trust me, anyone can do it if they have half a brain) and then every single thing else I’ve missed out on. If I kept all the rejection letters, all the rejection emails, charted all the no thanks phone calls, all the times publishers have rejected my manuscripts, all the times the film commission has never gotten back to me, I would seriously consider topping myself. In fact the only positive reinforcement I get is from an audience when I put a show up. I know it’s only people’s opinion whether you’re good enough, or not, but when no one of import or influence thinks you’re doing all right, you do start to wonder. What’s more depressing is when I realise I’ve only ever had one of my plays directed by someone else because of the fact that no one else is interested. My agent keeps sending them out to no avail!

 Oh, it really is funny when you think about it. Hilarious.

 I don’t know if I have any advice or musings on rejection. I’ve had so much of it, you’d think I would. All I can say is it doesn’t get easier, unfortunately, but I have managed to get the depression down to one day afterwards, and then forget about it. But I also just think that no one really gives a shit about your wonderful creative experience except you and your mum. So don’t wait around for someone to give you the green light. Just do it yourself (could be difficult when you want to publish books and make films). But fuck everyone else. Fuck the film funders, fuck those agents who rejected you, fuck the competition judges. It’s their loss! And if you cultivate that feeling it really is much easier to cope.

 Now, whilst talking about all this rejection I must move onto the subject of doing the rejecting and making the harsh calls. I don’t know what’s worse (though I do hope all my rejectees say: fuck you, Tom. I’ll show you!) Recently I was given an amazing season at an amazing theatre in New Zealand. Anyway, the actors in a previous production caught wind of this and before I knew it we were remounting that production. All because I didn’t say no early on and things got out of hand. To cut a long story short the play wasn’t right for the season. I then had to tell the cast via email.  The venue operators were then dragged into the resulting meelee. And the whole affair has become very convoluted. And I’m sure the cast has all reacted very negatively. And rightly so. To me especially. This comes after a long line of burnt bridges where I’ve pissed people off for whatever reason. In fact there are people across New Zealand (and now beginning in the UK) who roll their eyes and grumble whenever my name is mentioned. And no doubt I’ve got a lifetime more of it. And it’s worse in this kind of industry because reputation and nepotism are so important, as is friendship. I’m destined for a lifetime of not casting my friends in parts they are desperate for, firing people for whatever reason, making hard, cold business decisions. Tis very hard. I hate letting people down. I know I should harden up, but every time I let people down it tarnishes things.

 What should one do? Hmm. Harden up and be a bitch and just hope that further along the line people will respect you for your decisions. And just hope your darling friends will forgive you. After all my stressing on the subject I really think this is the best decision. You simply can’t make everyone happy. I’m sure there were hundreds of people that Shakespeare pissed off.

 In other news – not much going on in furthering my career at the moment. I’m rehearsing the play for mid January in my basement bedroom tonight where there is no space to move and my rowdy flatmates can be heard very clearly through the floorboards. At this stage there is a huge list of things to be worried about in terms of the production. How to pay for the venue and how to get people along at the top of the list. The cast is doing very well, though. God they’re amazing.

 Anyways, will finish there. Hope everyone who reads this is well and trucking along. After all my musings my only piece of advice is you can only truly rely on yourself for anything. But once you realise that it’s very liberating – and you can get on with doing what you do. Believe in yourself and others are bound to follow suit.

 Much love.